Do you ever just have one of those days?
Where everything feels... nice?
Nice is such an odd word.
It doesn't feel like a good enough adjective,
but at the same time I cannot think of a better one.
Nice just, fits.
It's not overly extravagant, it doesn't draw
too much attention to itself.
It is simple, to the point, you can't go wrong with nice.
But today is a nice day. It is a bitterly cold day, but one of those cold days where there are hints of blue skies and the clouds look white and fluffy like candy floss. Sun struggles to shine through, and when it does and you manage to capture it upon your skin, it warms your entire being like you have never felt sunlight before.
Winter is really dragging. I love winter, it is my favourite season. But I find myself craving spring more and more. Lighter mornings and evenings, the re-appearance of leaves and flowers. The ability to leave the house without being wrapped in a million layers, hoping that you haven't left a bit of skin naked due to the cutting icy winds.
I love Edinburgh I really do. But although being a city girl, my heart really lies in the country. After a while, busy streets, buildings everywhere, traffic, lights, they all appear tired and almost irritating. I yearn for open fields, trees, mountains, silence.
playlist - bravery in being soft
So today I escaped. I have ran away, and found a small haven where I can breathe. Think. Gather my thoughts and make them not so tangled up anymore. I walked along the winding country pathway, the pavement worn down, caked in mud and ice and grass. Fields bare and plain of filled with sheep. My music suddenly blaring in my ears as there is no other noise around. It's cold but in a refreshing way.
Drown my thoughts in tea. Drink. Drink. Drink more tea. Eat cake and not care about the size of the slice. Its ginormous, bigger than my hand. But it is fuel. It is happy. Its scooping up all the toasted almonds that have fallen off the top, it's my lips getting sticky from the cherry jam. It is health and not caring about calories anymore. I never want to go back to endlessly counting. I know that I can't tempt my brain to not go back there on the odd occasion. But for now I am basking in the free feeling of being able to enjoy food.
I have tucked myself away on a little table in the corner; close to the blaring fire to warm up my still cold limbs. I am enjoying writing, sipping my tea. Allowing myself to feel and think and plan and stress. Breathe. Stress some more. Panic a little. Compose myself: Everything. Will. Be. Okay. Plan some more, making sure that I have planned enough, and then some more.
Nothing feels real still. My brain is still in space. I can't tell what is real and what is a dream. It has gone past the point of feeling alien. Waking up, not knowing if I have woken up. Constantly feeling more than tired - drained. exhausted, weary. I am hoping that the results of my blood tests will show something. I can't live like this much longer. It's not even living. It's terrifying, I can't remember what is real and what are my dreams. I have continuous nightmares that I can't wake up from, and then when I do wake it takes me hours to convince myself that it didn't happen.
tired
tʌɪəd/
adjective
- 1.in need of sleep or rest; weary.
My brain isn't working and I wish I knew why. I want to ask it what I can do. What is happening up there? Is there something I can do to help to help you work properly again? Did I do something wrong? Why is it not functioning? Think. Focus. What is real? I can't tell.
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorns have roses.”
I can't stop but listen in nosily on other peoples conversations. Talking about family members and loved ones, plans, holidays, christmas, winter. Gossiping, catching up on missed memories, reminiscing about funny happenings, sad events. Does anyone else do this or is it just me? I love to listen in. I love to create whole back stories and lives for people. Give them jobs, spouses, children, plans for the day.
I wonder if anyone has done that for me before? What would they think? Am I a student, do I look as though I am in love, am I popular or alone, am I happy or sad? I like to think that despite struggling I still look happy. I want to be a happy person. I know that one day I really am going to be happy, and oh how magical that will be.I need to get up and start making my way home. I have been nursing my rose tea for hours now. Tonight I am going to make homemade pizza from scratch with my flatmate. We are going to watch films and talk. She has been amazing with me over the past week with my brain being a mess. She knows exactly when to pry, when to leave me be, when I need company despite being unable to ask for it.
Today has been a nice day. Nice is the perfect word.
fin.
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