absolutely abbi

Trigger Warning - this post contains the mention of rape and sexual assault. If you may find this distressing or difficult to read please do not force yourself, and know I am sending my love to you.

I have started writing this so many times. Typing and typing then quickly deleting it all. My mind switches from thinking this is a good idea to possibly one of the worst. But it’s something I feel I need to do, so here it is. 

A year ago today, I was raped. 

There. It’s now out there, into the void and darkness and complexity that is the internet. It isn’t something I ever thought I would want to write about. Ever since it happened, it is something I have worked so hard to keep buried very very deep inside. 

It isn’t something I ever thought would happen to me. Even more so in the past few months, I, and I sure you have too, have seen countless articles about brave men and women coming forward and standing up, letting the world know what happened to them and they are no longer willing to sit and suffer in silence. It is something I had read about in newspapers, seen on the news growing up. Something I was so aware of and that it was happening around me, but I never ever thought I would utter those words: I. Was. Raped. 

For months, and even still to this day, I blame myself for what happened. I shouldn’t have gone on the date in the first place. I should have had one less gin and tonic. I shouldn’t have gone back to his flat. I should have said no louder, tried harder to push him off. 

I did in the moment what I thought was best. I shut down, I froze, and I have never, and don’t ever think I will again, experienced a fear quite like it. It was like all of my limbs suddenly lacked the ability to move. My brain screaming for it to stop, to run away, to find safety. But, when I tried to speak, no words came about apart from noises of sheer pain. 

For ages, I thought that because I had originally consented, it had meant that it was my fault. But after re-living the moment over and over and over again, I know that it was not the case. I asked him to stop, multiple times. I screamed that it hurt, I didn’t consent to the things that he did that left me in pain and agony. 

I never imagined I would write about this. I am open to writing about my past. I have previously written posts about my depression, the abuse I experienced at home, my struggle with bulimia, my suicide attempts. My life has been littered with things that have left me a shell of a person at times. But each time, I have pushed through, determined not to give up, so so sure that I am destined for a future in which I will be happy and content and safe. 

But this - this is something that pulled me to a place I didn’t know existed. I shut myself off from everyone. I lost friends because of this, missed out on nights out, pushed people who I know loved me away because I was terrified of being hurt again. It’s only recently, with time, patience and love that I have come to slowly move on from these feelings. 

I am so lucky to be surrounded my beautiful friends and loved ones who don’t take me pushing them away as a final, but stick by me, knowing that it is just my default and that I want and need them there more than I can put into words. 

It is with their constant support - letting me cry on them at 3am when panic attacks have been had. Making sure I have eaten and drank something, helping me to look after myself when I have no care to do so. Making me laugh on days where I have only been able to stare at my bedroom walls in tears because everything has just become to much. Feeding me wine on nights when it’s needed, and taking the bottle away when they know it’s just destruction. Letting me message them all the gritty and dark details of my mind and that night, just because they know I need to get it off my chest. Taking drunken phone calls and ungodly hours, letting me cry down the phone because I have re-lived the night again, or saw someone who looked slightly like him. Looking after me when I have a panic attack at the cinema after running out of a film that had a rape scene in that made my heart stop and scared me to the point I could no longer breathe. Holding me so tight when I am desperately do everything in my power to push them away has been my saving grace, and without them, I wouldn’t have been able to get through what happened. They may not have been there at the time, but they have picked me up and even though knowing I am slightly broken, never ever given up on me. 

To them - if they read this, which they most probably will, and they will know who they are - I cannot thank you enough. I will never be able to quite put into words how much you all mean to me and just how much you have done. This post, in part, is dedicated to them. 

I cannot stress enough the importance of finding support when trying to get through something like this. At the beginning, I told only a couple of people, and chose to never speak about it, and pushed it so far down inside me that when I was asked I would lie and say that I barely thought about it and I was fine. If you have experienced rape or sexual assault/abuse, please do find solace in your friends and family, or even me. Around this time, people are your last concern. You want to be alone, it is easier. But people will be your foundation to heal, you so desperately need some support to get through this that if you are struggling alone please do, at the least, message one person you can trust. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to tell people, and watching the pained expressions of the people I love, them knowing I have been through this and knowing I have been hurt in such away was awful. But, I wouldn't have got through this without them.

The other part is dedicated to those who have experienced the same or something similar. I never ever wanted to write about my experience. Writing about it makes it real. However, writing is my one solace in this world. It is one of the only things that makes me feel better. As my own form of therapy, I knew that this was the right time. And, after reading so many other stories over the past little while, I wanted one more to be heard. 

I want people to know that we aren’t just victims - we are not alone. We are united. We are not broken or weak. We are beautiful and so strong that you cannot comprehend. Reading those stories helped me so much, it really made me realise that I am not alone and that these things don’t just happen in one way. They happen in many ways and it isn’t a set formula that defines it. 

I hope that in reading this, I may help someone. Even if it is just one person, that would be enough. If I don’t, then at least I know that in writing this I have helped with my own recovery. If you have been through the same, please know you are not alone. You are not at fault. You are not weak. You are not broken. You are strong and incredible, I and the world are proud of you for getting through each day, despite how hard it feels. 

To anyone reading this who knows someone who has experienced sexual assault or rape - please don’t give up on us. We may be sad sometimes and we may lash out during moments of vulnerability. We may have random flashbacks at moments that don’t appear to make sense. We may try to push you away as a coping mechanism. Please just be patient and stand by us, because in the end we will be so so so grateful. 

As I end all my posts that are difficult to get through - if you ever need someone to speak to, my inbox is always open. I am still getting through this myself, but that doesn’t mean I am ever not willing to listen or advise in anyway that I can. I love each and every one of you, so please don’t ever be afraid to message me. 

Below are the numbers that you can use for confidential advise if you have been a victim of sexual assault or rape, numbers I have used and found really helpful. 